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Still Alive

Sorry, blogosphere!!! I’m still alive. I’ve been way better about my Instagram than anything long-form.

My last post was about my teacher training in June, and in it I wrote that I was stoked to be heading back to the shala in October.

Well… it’s October. And I’m back at the shala gearing up to start the first intensive of our 500hr training. (I’m still stoked.)

In between then and now I spent two weeks living in a garden shed in the middle of a cow pasture in southern Colorado; a week with a bunch of rad young people and an even cooler farmer outside of Boulder; a few days trekking through the Wind Rivers in the most stunning country I’ve ever seen with my own eyes; a month on a bison ranch plopped down in an expanse of yellow prairie with town no closer than 30 minutes in either direction; and a week road-tripping through the PNW with stops for lakeside camping, catching up with old friends, and park exploring.

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I’ve felt a ridiculously wide range of emotions, some welcome and some that I was hoping I’d never have to see again. I’d heard it said that “no matter where you go, there you are.” I was kind of hoping to skirt around that… but life is life and I’m still me and fear and anxiety and sadness and loneliness aren’t going away. Maybe the best part of this trip hasn’t been the variety and the freedom but the grounding that comes with knowing that happiness isn’t necessarily the result of variety and freedom; it’s a place one arrives at internally, decisively, and independently.

It’s hard to believe how soon things will be winding down.

In one of those moment of fear I found myself wondering, “Will staying in one place and going back to work mean that I’m no longer this strong, adventurous, capable person?”

Bullshit.

If anything, this year has taught me better how to listen and how to act on what moves me. Circumstances won’t always be so ideal or so idyllic, and that’s OK—necessary, even. I’ve done a lot of growing this year, and it doesn’t stop here. Luckily, I’m not done traveling quite yet.

One thought on “Still Alive

  1. Ahhhhh, if I don’t just just see myself in you seeing yourself. I have nothing more helpful to say or observe than that you have reached the essential “it” of living. What we churn out is our reality. There is choice. Knowing that there’s choice is the prize to be won from so any moments of not knowing. You couldn’t possibly be in a better place than this, no better palace than this one. That was not a typo. XOXOXOXO

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